128. Housewives, trauma, financial infidelity and more with @yourbishtherapist

This week, we have Melissa from @yourbishtherapist talking all things housewives, including how she found herself at the center of big drama with Tamra Judge from Real Housewives of Orange County. What does it mean to be emotionally stunted, and is it caused by nature or nurture? What is financial infidelity? How does trauma affect the real housewives, and how do we see it manifest on our screens?

Welcome to cocktails and gossip, the podcast where we drink cocktails, but you better believe we’re going to spill the tea. We chat reality TV celebrity blinds and the hottest tea from Bravo and cocktails.com
and as always, it’s all alleged. And just for fun, we do not verify our blinds. I’m Bea and I’m Amanda. Let’s get into this week’s tea. What’s
up? COVID? Cocktail ers and Amanda, hey, cocktail ers, hey, B and we are thrilled to welcome Melissa from at your Bish therapist on Instagram to our pod. So welcome Melissa. Hi, ladies, thank you so much for having me. It is a real pleasure to be here. I love the account. I love the podcast. Thank you so much for having me on. It’s a pleasure. Thank you for coming. There are so many things that Amanda and I want your insight and your expertise on. I want to kick it off with the most recent drama to happen. I don’t even want to call it drama, because it’s it feels heavier than that. Tama revealed on her pod with Teddy this week that after one therapy session, this is how she worded it. Initially, she was told that she is on the spectrum, has trauma to work through, and said that this is the reason she lacks empathy. Backlash has been heavy. Parents, family members, loved ones of adults and children who have ASD are, quite frankly, appalled, disgusted. Pick a word they’re appropriately experiencing their emotions, right?
And we did see that you posted, so I happened to see that you had posted before, and then I saw another post from you that you spoke with Tamara and that you would not be speaking specifically to her announcement. I just was wondering if there’s if you want to reiterate what you said in your statement. Because, lady, you’ve been, you’ve been you’ve been up in this somehow, you’ve been tagged. You’ve been it’s been discussed. I have been the quiet center of the controversy that nobody knows about, and I just keep joking that it’s way above my pay grade. I should be getting paid more if I am the center of all this. It’s odd, because I’m just me. I do all my own stuff. I don’t have PR, I don’t have a team. It’s just me. And so I did post, and then she did contact me, and I deleted it. So I, like many people, I am a very you deleted what you had posted about the situation. Yes, thank you. Yes. Because when Tamara contacted me, let me just explain a little bit. So I, like everybody else, had a very strong.
Long reaction to not necessarily the announcement, but some of the misinformation that was contained in the announcement, or what I felt was misinformation, okay, and so, due to the nature of what I do, I reposted her post and advocated for the ASD community, sharing my clinical insights. But Tamara contacted me, and after some discussion, I decided to remove the post in an effort to respect her mental health journey, but also to protect my piece. So my only goal was to advocate for folks on the ASD spectrum and provide psycho educational information about autism spectrum disorder. I was tagged, reposted, talked about I was the talk of the internet, and so many people wanted to know, what did you post and why did you take it down? So I did have to comment, which sounds crazy, because who the hell am I? But so what I will say is, I will not be speaking. You’re very knowledgeable. And I think that I know I do. I know Amanda does. I know many of my followers do look to your account when there is a situation, and it is a situation where there’s a mental health situation, and you shed not just the light, but you really educate and explain it, and you do such a good job of explaining it in simple terms, so that regular folk who are just viewers of the show can understand and process different personality disorders, mental health situations. Yeah, so that’s I just took it, and I appreciate that, because truly, I don’t care who it is. I don’t care if it’s a celebrity, if it’s a regular person I’m talking about, if something that I’m saying is upsetting someone my personal morals and values is I don’t want to do that. That’s not for me to do. It doesn’t matter what the entire internet was doing. All I can control is my side of the street and so but thank you for that, and I do think people look to me, which is such an honor, by the way, that is such an honor. I’m just so you know, it’s just wonderful. Today, I’m not going to be speaking about Tama directly. I’ve made that decision. She’s not my client. No one but her and her provider know what’s occurring. However, I will be happy to talk about clinical knowledge and information about the ASD spectrum to help continue to advocate for the community, and I wish just everyone dealing with tough stuff nothing but love and support on their journey. So my goal is to truly educate about what Autism Spectrum Disorder is, what is neurodivergence, what is neurodiversity. And don’t worry, ladies, I know this is not all on your pod, but I will be doing my own podcast for people who want to hear my thoughts about that specific part of it, because it seemed like some things that were said were very hurtful, and my goal is to educate so that does not happen. I just would like to point out, and again, this is be speaking my opinion with Tamara asking, I’m a content creator, she’s a content creator. She is not only a housewife, she’s not only a public figure in the realm of being a reality star, she also sits behind a microphone and analyzes and has opinions on what other housewives from other cities do. So it’s just so ironic to me that she does what we do. You do something different, right? I just have opinions and everything. I find it just so hypocritical, and I think it just speaks so much to what everyone’s been saying this season. What so when the announcement came out, my DMs were flooded, doctors, therapists, parents, those who are on the spectrum themselves. And the consensus was what, I think, anybody who has any education with ASD has a loved one. This is not something that can be diagnosed in one therapy session that just start plain and simple. It’s a much more thorough process. She, for sure, does not have empathy that that I agree with. She has never displayed empathy from what I’ve seen, most certainly not recently. I think I’m most surprised that she just blurted this out and didn’t think about how offensive this would be to an entire community of people. Yeah, so she said I came straight from counseling to record the pod. I didn’t Dink it through. But so here’s what’s very funny, Melissa and Amanda. I’m sure you saw this. I As soon as I saw it, I immediately made a post. When I woke up at 6am I posted the clip. So this was before the back the backlash had become widespread. A follower of mine commented on my post and said, commented. A therapist does not diagnose ASD. There are several parts to the test conducted by a neuropsychologist, and Tamara herself replied on my post. I haven’t checked if she deleted it. I would imagine she did. I did that. Thanks. So which is it? Was it one counseling session that you said on your pod when you blurted it out? Or.
Did you go through a multifaceted test with a neuropsychologist? So let me be really clear about this part of it, because this I can speak to in terms of who can diagnose and who can’t, okay. So on the topic of, by the way, Autism Spectrum Disorder is different from neurodivergence. It’s one piece of the neuro it’s one piece underneath the neurodivergence umbrella. Okay, and qualified people to diagnose autism spectrum disorder are psychologists, psychiatrist neuropsychiatrists, neuropsychologists. So people, there are psychometric meters, meaning, which is a fancy word for clinical testing that can be used by people who hold a doctorate now a therapist, so an LPC or an LCSW, so licensed clinical social worker or an LPC can diagnose ASD because in certain states. So I live in Pennsylvania, if people are using their insurance to go to therapy. And by the way, therapy and therapist is a hugely broad term that I think was also being misspoken about. But I digress. So we have to diagnose. When I was practicing, if I see people who are coming in, and this is what they say, that they’re coming in with. Now, I would never diagnose someone with that, because that is way outside my purview. That is not what I specialize in, and I definitely think it takes a specialist to diagnose this, but technically, LPCs and LCSWs, for insurance purposes, can get it diagnosed. But my main point here is that getting diagnosed with any sort of neurodivergence or autism spectrum disorder is a multi faceted approach that requires multiple groups of people, professionals, OT, PT, psychiatrist, psycho it really takes a village and when it’s done properly and so that it’s a process that extends far beyond one session. So that’s just what I can speak to about that. Thank you. And I think I was very curious about how Tamara has been dealing with this, so I listened to 2t in a pod their latest episode, and she spoke to it again and said she’s pretty much just cutting the world off. She’s staying off social media. She is essentially just taking a break other than the kind of paid post, kind of things that she was already contracted to do so she canceled and no showed on Jeff Lewis’s pod yesterday. I could only imagine that that. I think that was probably a wise choice for her, because I’m sure Jeff would have put her through the ringer. Oh, he definitely would have. I talked about Jeff Lewis a fair amount. He’s an interesting guy. He would have, for sure, asked her some tough questions. Yeah, yes, I do want to. I definitely do want to discuss Jeff Lewis, because he’s quite the character. I don’t know I can tell you. So what I’m good at is getting the scoop. And The scoop I’m hearing is that this isn’t like final decisions haven’t been made, but the network isn’t gonna fire her for this. That’s not what’s expected. My sources said that’s not something that they’re hearing. I can tell you that we got an email Amanda that said, basically nobody on the cast has her back when you burn every bridge, even if you’re on that cast and you don’t love Shannon, you have to recognize Wow. Tamara was friends with Shannon for the better part of a decade, and she just turned on her like a wild animal. So nobody is advocating for her, nobody. It doesn’t mean that when she returns, because the thought is that she will be returning, that when she returns, will people be friendly, like how Emily was? Yeah, sure. Are any of those people who are friendly with her on camera gonna go to production and be like, Oh, we have to have her back. No, people are you’re on your own kid. That makes well deserved. One thing I’ll say is that our behaviors have consequences. That’s all I’m going to say about that. Yes, and if you live in a glass house, maybe don’t throw stones. But anyway, while we’re on OC, I wanted to get your opinion Melissa, about Jen, she seems almost like a lost baby dear, but has a very sweet and kind way about her. How? What do you think about her divorce situation? Her picking a guy like Ryan, who seemingly has some red flags, possibly some legal issues, or as the probably more accurately, on the periphery of some legal situations.
What are your thoughts on that?
Yeah, I have so many thoughts on that. I’ve done a couple of podcasts about this because, in my opinion, so I, in addition to being a clinician, I also I just I lived a history of trauma. And so not only do I have the part of clinical assessment, I just work on vibes that is not scientific at all, but like energy, and I just both of those pieces of me works together to get a sense of who people are. And listen, I’m not saying I’m always right, but I feel that Jen is truly an amazing human being. I think she is a spiritual gangster. I think she is one of, could potentially be one of the all time great housewives. She is such a refreshing mix of someone who just really seems to be a good person, but she also is entertaining. Now, the Ryan of it all is, I just did a podcast with Mandy slutzker about this exact topic, and I said I just don’t understand why someone of her caliber is attracted to Ryan. And so what we talked about was that, in my opinion, Jen, as you joked about, seems like a Fauci in the woods. I think Jen has been taken care of her whole life, and so she struggles to be self sufficient in ways that lead her to lean on men for support that if she didn’t need that perhaps might be different, is my thought. That makes sense.
Hey, cocktail ers being adult has its high points, like choosing to eat ice cream for dinner if you want. But adulting isn’t always fun, like doing your taxes, deciding what to make for dinner every night, because it can’t always be ice cream, and making doctor’s appointments, at least for that, we have ZocDoc. ZOC ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors. Choose the right one for your needs and click to instantly book an appointment. We’re talking about in network appointments with more than 100,000
healthcare providers across every specialty, from mental health to dental care, eye care to skin care and so much more. You can also see a doctor’s actual appointment openings. Choose a time that works for you and click to instantly book a visit, plus ZocDoc. Appointments happen fast, typically, within just 24 to 72 hours of booking. You can even score same day appointments. I’ve been in the situation of looking for a new doctor many times. Sometimes they retire, sometimes your insurance changes and you need to find someone new, or you find yourself needing a specialist that you’ve never needed before, and I have dreaded having to do it in the past, because it feels like such a time suck to spend all the time on the phone talking to receptionist, figuring out who takes my insurance who has appointments at times that work for me. The list goes on. Recently, I went to zocdoc.com
to find a physical therapist for a nagging injury that I had really just been kind of putting off going into this physical therapist because I didn’t feel like I had the time to spend on the phone. But then I heard about ZocDoc, so I knew that I needed to not only find somebody who accepted my insurance, somebody I needed to schedule around my work meetings, and I was trying to find my first appointment before I left for a vacation. When I went on to zocdoc.com I could not believe how easy it was to find a provider and actually book a first appointment with them within the zocdoc.com
website, it saved me so much time and hassle. So stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to zocdoc.com/cocktails
to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today that’s z, O, C, D, O, c.com/cocktails,
zocdoc.com/cocktails,
cocktails. Is your love life full of drama, like skandhavam, or are you trying to date intentionally, like Sierra from summer house, but keep getting stuck on F boys, whatever your situation, we have the perfect podcast for you. It’s called dateable, your insider’s look into modern dating, hosted by Julie kraftchick and you as one of the longest running and top dating podcasts, datable will give you the most in depth and unfiltered exploration into the world of Modern love where no topic is off limits and no question is left unanswered. They mention it all from topics like why you’re choosing the wrong partners, the psychology behind.
Behind how you’re wired for relationships and moving forward after a breakup, this podcast is incredibly relatable, insightful and hilarious wherever you start, this podcast will help you feel inspired to date differently and create a love life that works for you. Subscribe today and listen to episodes of dateable on Apple podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts,
but listen, I don’t know. I just think that she’s she’d seem I gravitate towards housewives who really seem to have their finger on the pulse of reality. I understand they’re doing a job, and I understand that, but I gravitate towards the real ones. And to me, Jen is a real one. I enjoy her a lot. I am I see the flags, the blazing, giant red flags that everyone sees about Ryan, from all accounts I’ve heard, he’s a very nice person. It’s not about being nice. I and I think the last thing I want to say is that I also think Ryan get, it’s like the Louis and Theresa effect of Jen’s ex. He get, he provided her with children and a lifestyle, but I don’t know that he provided her with a lot of love. And I think that Ryan really provides her with love, which, by the way, we all need and deserve and are worthy of. And so I think she’s just trying to find love where she can. And she does really seem to genuinely love him. I just, I do worry about her, but listen, she’s an adult. She has to make her own decisions, and ultimately, the only way we learn is by doing things and falling on our face. So she has a journey ahead of her, I will say, the more I see him, and the more I see that he does for her and for her kids, the more I have softened to him. At my original opinion on him was Ron, given some of his history, but at least from the way that he treats her and the way that actually he speaks with others, I have softened. I have softened. I have to say, if we were to take the whole baseball scandal out of it, which Amanda and I did a whole pod on, and several of my attorney followers have pointed out that if he is more involved. It may just be, not publicly known, and we don’t know the details, but we do know at a minimum that he was very friendly and had some business dealings with some very shady people. So that makes your antennas go up, regardless if we could take that out of it. This season, I really liked him. It’s not a crime to dress cheesy. No, it’s not a crime to be a 50 year old. Guido.
My antennas go up because while I like him, and while I feel his conversations with Jen, concerning the women, are very mature, certainly regarding her family, how he’s an active partner as a he’s not technically a step parent yet, but certainly he seems interested in wanting to be a good step parent and help her parent and set boundaries we saw with her oldest son and all of these things, living in the house and supporting them financially. Lot of good qualities, right? But there’s those red flags that you’re about. Wait a minute, he’s involved with people who are going to jail for a long time because of robbing baseball player bad?
Yeah, I think you just said it. You just said exactly what I was alluding to. And it seems like Ryan is a lovely person. He I think if I would like Ryan, if I met him, he seems reasonable. He does give Jen the love and support she needs. It is a lot to take on what she has five kids. That’s a lot to take on. So I fully agree that this part of it, which is all human beings, have good and bad parts, right? So I think it’s okay. I want to give Ryan credit where credit is due, whereas, okay, he’s human. He has good and bad parts. But I guess I look at the legal piece and I think to myself, How deep do those go, and what does that look like, just clinically, I think that so I fully agree with how you talked about the dichotomy of that. What are your thoughts on Johnny aioli, as we have coined him the Lexus.
Oh my god. I have so many thoughts, I could write a dissertation
on these two humans. Okay, okay, I just have to say Alexis is a little too simple minded for a whole dissertation. Listen, you’re partially right about that, but because of that fact, it is wild though, how she, I like to say that Alexis is a tool for the patriarchy, and she dates tools as a result and forces them down our throat. That’s, that’s, I mean, literally, jimbolino, she was engaged to some guy before she found Johnny J the love of her life. And every time she’s in a relationship.
She talks about it like she’s a 12 year old, lovesick teenager. So here’s my here’s what I have to say about Alexis. I think she is emotionally stunted. I think that she focuses so much on other people and not enough on herself, and that shows and I think that she, as I mentioned, we all, have the need for love, support and connectedness, and in her desperate need for that, she will cling to any port in a storm. And sometimes, when you cling to any port in a storm, you grab trash. And I think that John Jansen is one of
the most horrific. Yeah, I’ll use that word human beings to ever be featured on this show. Listen, it’s not what we say, it’s what we do. Our we can say anything, but our behaviors tell the true tale. And so for him to claim that he had an entire all this time not wanting to be in the public eye, and now he’s on Watch What Happens Live, and he’s doing People magazine interviews, right? So behaviors tell you about the truth of what’s behind someone’s intention. Okay, that’s what I’m gonna say, and I cannot stay. I want these two people off my screen immediately, if not sooner.
Here’s a list of reasons to use Instacart. The game is on. The game just ended. The next game is on. Life is busy, but with Instacart, you really don’t ever have to leave the couch. Do with this information what you will so download the Instacart app and get whatever you crave for the game and whatever else you need delivered in as fast as 30 minutes, plus enjoy $0 delivery fees on your first three grocery orders. Instacart, we’re here. Service fees. Apply three orders in 14 days. Excludes restaurants. Get fresh summer savings on family favorites at Vons and Albertsons. This week, at Vons and Albertsons, packages of rocky boneless skinless chicken breasts then sliced or tenders are buy one, get one free with membership where applicable, plus get 18 ounce packages of signature. Select blueberries for 399, each with digital coupon. Also this week at bonds and Albertsons get six to eight ounce Lucerne sliced, shredded or chunk cheese for 249, each with digital coupon limit for visit Vons or albertsons.com for more deals,
I am hearing mixed things. So I was told they definitely want Alexa, Alexis, back, but somebody else said that they really don’t want they really don’t love her. I guess it just comes down to what they think the audience wants. Gretchen coming back plays a part in that. I think because the Gretchen coming back was always in play now with this whole camera thing, to have someone come on and really link up with Shannon and take down Tamara, I think that would really be the ultimate goal. I agree with that wholeheartedly, and it depends how producers and story editors and people who feel about Tamara, I guess I get right. I guess we’ll see. But the one thing that I didn’t touch on, which I do want to say is that the black male situation, which, let me be clear, that’s exactly what it was, is absolutely disgusting, and sometimes for me, with Bravo, I understand that there’s a fine line between entertainment and then crossing over that into something darker. This has been dark. You don’t get to just run around and call someone an alcoholic and take their inventory. And I don’t know about you, I worked in an inpatient treatment facility, and I’m telling you, no one ever has recovered from bullying. That’s not a recovery intervention. So I think that the connection with the reinvigorated friendship is very suspect between Tamara and Alexis, and I think that everyone in that situation backed the wrong horse 100% and I wouldn’t even say reinvigorated, because if we go back historically, Alexis and Tamara were always adversaries. They’re only friends now because they had a common goal of taking Shannon down, which back fright fired in an enormous way, in both of their faces. I’ve heard some stuff from the reunion. I think Tamara’s got bigger fish to fry. I just, I gotta say, I can’t get over how bad Tamara plays this after so many years in this game, and she’s because I’ve listened to two teas in a pod, and she’s pretty good at analyzing other people in a way that I generally agree with, right? She makes sense, and it’s just so funny or cringy to watch her make these mistakes that if somebody did it on another show, she would be the first one to call them out and point out exactly where they misstepped. And yet, she’s doing it in real time, and she can’t freaking stop. Thank god she’s cutting herself off from the internet. What’s next is she gonna come out of tray as a trans woman? I She’s going everywhere she can to offend she I just I can’t. I actually have a question for you about a term you use emotionally.
Stunted, and I don’t want to put you on the spot if this is way too long of an answer, but is when somebody is emotionally stunted, is that something that people are born with, or is that a nature or a nurture thing? Yeah, so the way that I’m talking about it, it’s a nurture thing. It’s a learned behavior. So I’ll give you an example sometimes when people use substances. And I’m not saying Alexis does, to my knowledge, she’s not a substance user. So this is just an example when someone starts using substances at the age of 12, 1314, and then their adults still dealing with addiction and they come into rehabilitation. They may be, chronologically, a 40 year old person, but developmentally, emotionally maturity wise, they’re more around that 12 to 13 mark. So sometimes, whether it’s substances or trauma, when we experience certain things at certain ages, it can prevent us from fully developing those skills in the way that they’re intended. If that makes sense, that makes sense, thank you for that. Yeah, yeah. I don’t think I think Alexis is just naturally a person of low IQ. I don’t think
I’m sorry, Melissa. I really I should behave. I just not. Melissa, thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I’m teasing. I don’t think there’s any substance. I wish we could blame it on a little snack. I just think that’s the case. Yeah, I know Fair enough, fair enough. And it’s it just, I think we all have our pegged. Going back to this kind of I love to your term being a tool for the patriarchy. When she was with Jim, it was so much about Jesus, and because that was, I think, how she and Jim chose to be, but she definitely made that her personality. Now she is all about Johnny aioli, and we’re not hearing as much about Jesus. We’re hearing about how much sex they have and things like that. And I think that’s all we need to know, is that she tends to be a bit of a chameleon based on the man that she’s with. And it what you said, that goes hand in hand with being emotionally stunted, because a healthy, let’s say, 40 however old she is a healthy, 40 plus year old woman. Doesn’t make their boyfriend their whole personality. That’s something you might see in a younger person, someone who has less maturity and yes, got it, yeah. Okay, let’s move across to New York City. I don’t know about you guys. I was hearing people say the second episode was boring. I actually loved it. We have spoken quite a bit, actually, about the topic of Abe and Aaron, and having that conversation about Abe making a large financial move without telling Erin about it, and her fighting out later. What are your thoughts from a therapist standpoint? Oh, yeah. So I did a post about this. It’s called financial infidelity, and it’s very real and it’s very damaging. So financial infidelity is when one partner in a relationship, and by the way, this doesn’t require you to be married, or it’s irrespective of gender, sexual orientation, when one partner does something financially without the other person knowing it, even in small ways, it can create such a sense of betrayal. It does create such a sense of betrayal because financial stuff is a part of our Maslow talks about this hierarchy of needs, and on the bottom is the first thing we have to accomplish is our needs for safety and what keeps us safe, right? Having food, shelter, money, clothes, right? Those things are part of our safety. So when someone engages in financial infidelity, it can rock the partner’s sense of safety. And I so while I have some issues with Aaron for other reasons, but in this scenario, I could tell that she was just rocked. She was rocked due to the financial betrayal. It wasn’t okay what he did and but I can also tell, instead of working through it, she’s holding on to some anger and resentment. It’s coming out sideways, right? Calling your partner Dom, while he may have deserved it, it’s not appropriate and but I can just tell with that.
Listen, you can stay on after you guys can have a little conversation. I You’re a new client. I need
Okay? B, let me be clear, I’ve been with my husband for 22 years. I’ve been with this man since I’m 20 years old, and I’m about to be 44 Okay, oh my god, I’m 42 and I’ve been with my husband since I’m 20 as well. All right, we’re gonna have a Kiki after this. Okay, because I understand the desire to name call.
And listen, I’m not saying I’m perfect. I certainly have read my husband up, down, left and sideways. That’s part of being human, but I think on TV, it’s being mindful about the way that you talk to each other, and because it just doesn’t make her look great. But listen, I get it. I get it. Do you think the excuse that he used, which was that he met her as someone. When he met her, she was somebody who flew private, and she was wealthy, and he felt he had to continue the lifestyle. Do you think that was just an excuse, or do you think there’s something more to unpack? There great question. I was reserving my judgment until she responded, and based on her response, I now have a POV So, and I will say this, I grew up financially gifted, and my husband did not, and so I understand that that dynamic going into a relationship matters. And trust me, I was not gifted in terms of flying private and going to private school. I’m just talking about middle class. I could buy some good video games I had what I needed. You know, that kind of stuff. It does make a difference how partners go into a relationship, and financial expectations are so important, but often are the last thing to be discussed. So I, based on her response and listen, stuff may have been edited out, I don’t know, but if that were me, I would have maybe said, I’m sorry you felt pressured. I don’t need just to be clear. I don’t need this. What I need is a partner who communicates and is honest, and that’s more important to me than X, Y and Z. But what she said was, then, step up your game or something to that effect. And I just thought, oh, Yike, that’s a wild response. So listen, they’re both a part of the problem in relationships. We all play a role. It’s not always 5050, but we all play a role. And so I think some of it is valid, not all of it, but some of it’s definitely valid. I really I get what you’re saying. So basically, I do when Aaron’s response and I too forget exactly what she said, But Aaron’s response did make me also feel like, you know what, you have an expectation. And it’s almost felt like she didn’t care how he got there, but then was annoyed when she didn’t know part say that sense exactly like you can’t have it both ways, exactly also and again, we’re not going to get into all these details and stuff, but when you sat down with your accountant that year, Aaron, did you not see that you took a loss on this bitcoin is your portfolio so large that you didn’t notice? You said it was a large sum of money. There are all those details which I very much feel a spouse, whether it’s the woman or the man, because every relationship has a different dynamic, but one person can’t put their head in the sand, a la the Judy Chase and be Oh, it’s his fault because I signed papers I didn’t know he handles finances. We’re all adults. We all have to sit at that table come tax season, as much as it fricking sucks, and look at the paperwork and sign things together and read it through, because I’m a grown ass woman, and if my husband is doing something and I’m just signing off and I don’t know that’s on me, I preach, preach, preach, because I Stan everything you’re saying right Now it we can’t the whole Teresa thing, pleading ignorance is not an excuse to evade accountability. And to your point, I check our stuff every day. I’m an active participant in our finances, just as my husband is, but women, and I’m going to go back to John pedrati for a minute, women sometimes are too comfortable being having their head in the sand, wanting to be taken care of, and unfortunately, they need to understand the role they play in their financial distress, right? If they did not have their head in the sand, if they were not relying on being taken care of in some way, shape or form, they may have had a different outcome. Get fresh summer savings on family favorites at Vons and Albertsons. This Week at bonds and Albertsons packages of rocky boneless skinless chicken breasts then sliced or tenders are buy one, get one free with membership where applicable, plus get 18 ounce packages of Signature Select blueberries for 399, each with digital coupon. Also this week at bonds and Albertsons get six to eight ounce Lucerne, sliced, shredded or chunk cheese for 249, each with digital coupon limit for visit Vons or albertsons.com for more deals. Did you know the number one maker of menudos also makes cheese, that’s right, with four delicious flavors. Juanitas has the sabor for every summer gathering, whether it’s the original matcha cheese, hot and spicy, the new queso blanco guaca or spicy poblano, juanitas has the perfect cheese for your nexasada. So next time you’re at your favorite grocery store, say cheese with juanitas to taste the tradition in Mexico and make meals unforgettable. Follow Juanita Institute.
At Juanita spoons and find Juanita cheese at Northgate and superior Juanita spoons. Memories made to share.
We’ve talked about this too. It’s not just in the situations. If things were to go badly, right, as far as partly, if you were to go into a divorce, that’s those are not the only reasons. Personally, have had people in my life who have lost their father early, unexpectedly and helping their mother go through all of their finances and figure all of these things out, because the mother never did. There are situations like that too, that even if you’re in the best of marriages, things can happen, and it’s important that you don’t bury your head in the sand, and that you you know where all the accounts are and how to access them, right? But listen to your point, which is fabulous, is that I talk a lot about generational trauma, and really what we see in a lot of people’s behavior stems from the generational stuff that happened before them. So if you come from a family of women who just were not finances were not important, that stuff has to be taught to us, or we have to go out and seek the knowledge, those are really the only two ways I definitely can understand how sometimes in families, women’s role in finances is just not taught and it’s not advocated for, and it’s not modeled. That’s a good point, I will say, regarding their conversation, as a fan of housewives, I was pleasantly surprised to see them offer, basically offer this information up. It was very personal. It isn’t something that would have been brought to the table had they not offered it up. I think it speaks to Aaron being a great housewife. I agree the first thing I Amanda and I, when we spoke about it, you called it financial infidelity. And I, without having that fancy term,
I said to me, it’s really no different than cheating. It’s such a betrayal, although I agree with everything I said before that, which is we all have to play an active role, and everything like that, it is so it really I found it upsetting because I really like both Abe and Aaron. They have three kids. They seemed so solid. And it just makes me fear that there are bigger issues there. This will become a bigger issue. I really hope that they see this playing out right now, and they’re let’s they’re people of means, let’s get ourselves into couples therapy, and let’s also get a financial planner. They’re both smart people, and he’s an attorney. And I think that sometimes an attorney as an example, because you’re smart and you can figure it out, you sometimes need an unbiased person. My husband’s a numbers guy. I won’t say exactly what he does, but he works in that field, so does mine. Are we twins? All right, we literally separated.
And he could do our taxes. He could sit down and figure out how to do the taxes, but he doesn’t. We have account. We have an accountant, and our accountants do it, and I just think it’s important as a team to have I don’t know what I’m trying to say, but they need some help. They need some help, and they need it to be like a therapist, and they also need it to be like a financial professional, and they need to do that now, because right there’s still time. But if you’re going to keep this going over the course of so many years, they just invested a lot of monies, I would assume, into this, this tequila. They have, presumably, they have partners. It seems to be going successful, but we don’t know. We don’t know. And I just feel now is the time for them to make sure that they’re getting more they’re getting on the same page, yes, because essentially what you’re saying, which I absolutely agree with it’s hard conversations. I know, listen, right? There have been months where I spend too much money and I’m, listen, I spend too much money, yeah. And it’s, listen, it sucks. It’s an uncomfortable conversation. And there’s resentment, because in my head I’m, fuck you. I work hard, and in his head he’s, are you kidding me? What did you buy? Now, I do think it’s a classic case of two things can be true, but what you’re saying is it’s not about the Bitcoin, it’s about the stuff, the these relational dynamics that have bubbled under the surface for so long that led to this behavior. It’s not about the Bitcoin. It’s never about the Bitcoin. It’s a teeny, tiny amount. It’s some about the financial infidelity. But that’s, again, not even about the Bitcoin. So, you know, doing couples therapy, what I know to be true is that it’s whatever the argument is about. There’s been bubbling stuff under the surface, probably left unresolved for a long time, and then what happens is, if that stuff goes unresolved, that’s how marriages deteriorate, and that’s how people become disconnected and unhappy and living separate lives. And so I agree that I adore them, and I hope that they can work through whatever this is, but I agree wholeheartedly is that sometimes men are afraid to ask for help, and they just he and.
They need to ask for help, which includes, like you said, financial advisor. If you are a person of means it is absolutely more than appropriate to have that, because I’m a regular Joe and I also have that, right, we have advisors, and, like you said, accountants. And so it’s, on the one hand, they’re both responsible for this, but on the other hand, it’s okay, that doesn’t matter. How are you both going to fix this together? And the answer isn’t just Abe getting it together and her quietly sitting there, giving him the eyes of do better. That’s not the answer. Let’s talk about Brynn and Psy. I actually I really liked your post about New York. I liked where you pointed out, which I think we all see play out, but that until Brynn and psi really talk, they will keep going in circular arguments again and again. Do you think that Brynn has some avoidant tendencies, perhaps from her nurture, from her situation of growing up without the love of her parents. Oh yes. And so I talk about this very clearly, which hopefully does not upset brand there’s certain people who contact me and certain people who don’t, but because my goal is never to upset people. But I talk about this because I need regular folks to understand the amount of neglect that brand was so it’s a wonder that she’s functioning at all. If I’m being honest, we’re talking about in as an infant in her crib, not responding to cries, not having her diaper changed, not being fed, that level of abhorrent neglect as an infant changes your brain structure. It changes. It’s not just a feeling of I can’t trust people. It’s a biological fact, and that is something that would take years and years of intensive therapy and active work, and I believe that Brynn has not done the work, because as someone who I have a lot of trauma, I’ve done a lot of work. I talk about that on my podcast, and it is hard work, healing. It’s painful, it sucks. You have to relive old shit that is horrifying, but the only way out is through. And I think Brynn, because she’s in so much pain, is afraid of going through more pain, but she doesn’t understand that’s what’s needed to free her. And so I just have a lot of empathy for her, but yes, we see her neglect and these psychological concepts play out in how she deals with people she doesn’t deal she avoids, hugs, moves on, gets mad about it, and then repeat. But I do think that’s because of how she grew up, and I do think that Psy comes with her own trauma. We saw she shared with us that her mother was an alcoholic and that she had a rough trauma filled childhood as well. So it’s the two of them, you can it’s like, we’re watching them quite physically. But hey, it’s like, on that couch. It was, yeah, it was hard to watch. It was because that’s what it looks like when you have two very wounded people who are pushing on each other’s wounds. That the what we watched was them pushing their mortal wounds and being so upset and defensive about their wounds being pressed that they weren’t able to stop, listen, de escalate and resolve right to repair a conflict, it takes a level of you can’t be in an emotionally elevated state. When you are in an emotionally elevated state, you are more prone to listen. I’m extremely emotionally intelligent, but when I get pissed off, honey, you don’t want to see what I look like. Okay, so my point is that people can be emotionally intelligent, but they get triggered. And I do believe that both of them have very similar wounds, which is what leads them to argue. They say, quote, unquote, like sisters. And to me, that’s the reason why. Yeah, it makes me wonder too, if maybe the way a brain acts when she takes things to the sexual and makes jokes, if that is all a, I don’t know, coping mechanism, or something along those, yeah. So I call it have you? Have either of you ever watched 30 rock? Yes, I haven’t. Okay, then this will be lost on half of you. But call it her sexy baby routine. And the reason that I believe that she has it is due to the fact that when we grow up, there are only two people in our lives who are supposed to love us unconditionally, and that is our parents. And when we do not get that unconditional love, we end up searching for it our entire lives, and a lot of this is subconscious, so I believe bryns eternally seductive routine is because.
She has had to convince people to love her entire life. And on 30 rock, there was a character who she was a writer. She came onto the show, and they called it a sexy baby routine, which is where I flippantly get the term. But what was happening to this writer is that she really was being stalked and she was afraid, and the sexy baby routine was to get men to come around her so she felt safe. And so while that was a fictional scenario, and it’s not exactly the same, it’s a similar concept of I think that she does it to try to protect herself and to try to make herself feel lovable, which is just really sad. Ready to elevate your wardrobe, check out bone where fashion meets fun, from trendy dresses and chic tops to versatile denim and cozy sweaters. Bohm has it all with great quality, affordable prices and freshly picked new arrivals. Every week, you’ll always find something new and exciting. Plus, our accessories collection will add the perfect finishing touch to any outfit, whether you’re dressing up for a special occasion or keeping it casual. Boom, has the perfect pieces to match your style. Head over to bone.com today and start your style journey with bone. Your perfect outfit is just a click away. Did you know the number one maker of Menudo Germany and pozole? Juanitas also makes cheese, that’s right, with four delicious flavors. Juanitas has the support for every summer gathering, whether it’s the original matcha cheese, hot and spicy, the new queso blanco guacada or spicy poblano. Juanitas has the perfect cheese for your next Assata. So next time you’re at your favorite grocery store, say cheese with juanitas to taste the traditional Mexico and make meals unforgettable. Follow Juanita Instagram at Juanita spoons and find Juanita cheese at North Cape and superior Juanita spoons. Memories made to share
it. Also hearing all of this, I don’t even want to say what I have felt like Bryn been performative and wearing on me, sure, and I certainly have so much sympathy, especially hearing you explain how her trauma would affect her. And I think she’s an incredibly strong woman to be able to, as you pointed out, function as well as she does, given the neglect, which was just horrific. But let me be clear, trauma isn’t a reason to be an asshole, either. And so it’s fair for you to say she’s grading on me, because she is grading on me a little bit too. If I’m being honest, she is performative. That’s a fact. Raquel couldn’t even get through. Raquel is new to the group, and she’s talking about herself. And I don’t know if it’s attention seeking or if she just can’t help herself, but it’s constant joking about sex and with the lesbians, and that’s it’s like, it’s funny, and then it’s enough, because brain doesn’t know how to manage real stuff. Here’s the thing, it’s not personal, but she doesn’t know how to manage her real emotions. So why would she be able to handle Raquel? It makes psychological sense, but it’s still okay that viewers are annoyed by it, because it is annoying. It is I have trauma that doesn’t give me an excuse to be unkind or interrupting or to say that my stuff is more important than somebody else’s. That’s the problem. Sometimes, when we have unresolved trauma, we can get ourselves in a victim stance, and that’s also not cool. I also felt this episode that Uber was way too much. I understand she’s upset, but she gets so hot, so quick, and I don’t think that brim was wrong when she was saying stop yelling and cursing at me. Oh yeah. Acted. She behaved completely outlandishly. But I think again, Uber stuff stems from, I believe she’s holding on to anger and resentment with Bryn about, you know, outing the boyfriend last year, which is a moot point, because she’s talking about it now. So whenever I see someone who presents with really elevated energy, that usually means that it’s about something other than what is being talked about usually. And then sigh, the same thing as they’re butting heads on the couch, she says, I don’t regret that I yelled and insulted and cursed at you, which Erin was that can’t be true, because she told me and text me she did regret it. It’s just, I’m finding new york good. I wouldn’t say great. And I can tell you the audience, everyone’s in my DMs. Are you enjoying? I think they’re interesting. Women. It’s, I don’t know. It’s not meshing well yet, but I think it does. I agree. And I get the same DMS. People are just like, I can’t get into this New York. It’s and listen these ladies, they had a tough hill to climb. Roni the original cast was, they’re the, oh, geez, arguably one of the greatest housewives franchises of all time. And so these ladies had big shoes to fill. And so some of it, I think, is just the fact that it’s new, because in season two of Roni there, it wasn’t, it wasn’t always great, either. But I do also think there’s some truth to the fact that it’s too performative for a lot of people, because what we’re seeing with housewives is this trend, in my opinion, of people no longer just wanting the performative fashion nonsense. We want real stuff. We want real vulnerability.
We want real, realness, and so I that’s my thought on it. But of course, everyone is welcome to their opinion. I hear that. So have you had a chance to watch Salt Lake City? It was just on last night. You betcha. Oh, good. Okay. Wanted to ask you about your thoughts about this. So the opening scene is Bronwyn and Lisa at the spa, and so I guess this happened when cameras were down. So they explain what happened, which is that Bronwyn showed a picture of Gwen’s biological father to Lisa. Lisa said, Oh, my God, I know his I knew him. I know his family. And Bronwyn then shares that when she got pregnant, when she was 18, and she and the biological dad went to his parents to tell him that she was pregnant, they and I’m mincing words here guys, they shamed her and told her to pretend that she was studying abroad and have a baby and give it up for adoption. So she went and had decided to have the baby on her own. She also had some issues, it sounds like, with her mom. Two years after Gwen, her daughter was born. The biological dad passed away,
and so then back to
modern day Lisa, after this conversation with Bronwyn, spoke with the biological dad’s family and tells Bronwyn that they want to meet Gwen, after not acknowledging her for all these years, I think she’s 17 or late teens, age. What’s, what’s your POV on us? Oh, boy, I have a strong one, which is why people like me have a strong POV about everything. I love it. Love it. No half stepping on cocktails and gossip. Melissa, then I am perfect for y’all because there is no half stepping on your bush. Therapist, okay, so I was heartbroken listening to Bronwyn share this story. First of all, I think that unfortunately, whether it’s religious trauma or just generational trauma, but the father of her daughter, Gwen and his family likely have a long standing generational curse of shame, perfectionism and misogyny, because to hear that Bronwyn was blamed for this, which is, are we forgetting Because clearly she raped him, I mean, what
I am just I’m such a strong advocate for women that it makes my head explode to just have this kind of harmful rhetoric. But listen, that’s not what’s right. That’s just the generational curses that have been passed down from generation to generation. So I was grateful that Bronwyn confronted Lisa, because here’s the thing, Lisa is friendly with his family, and it’s sad that Bronwyn had to try to tell her, essentially, this sick system abused me, and I need you to understand that. I need you to acknowledge that, and I need you to understand that these people hurt my child in ways that I can never recover from, and now that the grandparents want to, I’m going to say reconnect in quotes, because the grandparents asking this beautiful person, Gwen, by the way, I love Gwen. Her conversation gave me life. I think it was brave, it was helpful, but she appropriately put the ownership back on the adults in the situation, because the grandparents, to be clear, they demanded full acceptance and loyalty from a child who they actively ignored for her entire life. So let me be clear, that’s manipulation. That is not apology. That is not I want to be in your life. This is we’re filming now. I want to make us look better, allegedly, and it’s a bag of bullshit. I’m sorry. Can I curse? I also think that Bronwyn must have had really done a lot of work in therapy, because the way she is navigating this and acknowledging her own feelings in it, but also wanting her daughter, who isn’t is a legal adult, to make her own choice, and wanting her daughter to not have regrets and make the best decision for herself. Because we know as daughters ourselves, she’s taking that away. She’s saying to her daughter, take me out of it. Don’t worry about I’ll deal with my my feelings on it, but you have to do I don’t want you to lose out on getting to know them. If it’s what you want. I fully agree that I last night. I wasn’t sure about Bronwyn, but last night she gained a fan in.
Me, because me too. You are right in that the emotional strength and work on yourself that it takes to say, okay, my child has a need that is going to inherently wound me, but I am the adult, and she is the child, and it’s about what’s best for her. So I’m going to manage my own emotions around this, which, by the way, is very challenging to appropriately meet my child’s needs. I literally have goose bumps as I’m talking about it, because so many parents are not capable of that. And so Bronwyn not only gave her daughter a gift, she’s giving herself the gift of whether she worked on it in therapy or she just has a good head on her shoulders about this, I don’t know, but I truly gave her so much credit for exactly that. Yeah, no, I agree. I was highly impressed with both Bronwyn and Gwen. Oh yeah. The story was crazy, too. My jaw dropped. I was, what the odds that Lisa knows this family was?
I You can’t make it up. My evil left tells it all.
Oh, good, yeah. Does she know them? We don’t know, but that’s the storyline and we’re going with it was she popped in as the as the Mormon 2.0 who’s gonna make this storyline roll out? And you know what good on Bronwyn if that’s the case, allegedly, because let me tell you something. Let somebody figure out who the family is and post it. I’m not saying it’s gonna be me. I’m just saying you want to fuck around. You might find out that’s right, that’s right. You got it. Excuse people. How do you ignore a baby for 18 years? It’s just it’s disgusting. It’s disgusting. It says everything about them and nothing about Gwen and nothing about Bronwyn. No child deserves to be treated that way. I don’t care how they come into this world, if it’s out of wedlock, if it’s at 1618, what have you, the fact that this child was a gift and made to seem like a curse is just disgusting. And I personally won’t stand for that. I agree, and I’m interested to see because last night, I watched what happens live Bronwyn. I don’t want to tease my daughter’s real life, like clickbait, she’s also very smart and sharp. I really enjoy her. I was first distracted by her crazy outfits and all the same stuff, but she’s got depth. I loved her. Clap back to Brittany, when Brittany older gold digger, and she totally broke down her marriage and everything. And I was, You go girl, and then getting to know her and seeing how incredibly intelligent and funny and she and everyone she doesn’t see, she doesn’t look 38 I think she looks 38 I don’t think it’s her look that make people think she’s older. She’s very wise. I would expect her to be older, which speaks to her being in a healthy marriage with an older man, and why he would have been attracted to her, because she does not present when they met, whenever it was 10 years ago, 12 years ago, I forget. And so she was 30 or 28 or whatever she was, she must have seemed like a middle aged woman, because you get that wisdom off her when you get to know her. But also, can we also say that it’s it for her to be attracted to him? People are making such a big difference about this age difference, but Bronwyn, for someone her age is clearly very smart, emotionally intelligent, and she’s not going to gravitate towards some 30 year old, dumb, I’m sorry she’s not so I do agree with you that, people, it’s not the looks, it’s the maturity level. And I fully agree that at first i i equated her to Delia diets. Do you know that is from Beetlejuice? So Catherine O’Hara’s character in Beetlejuice? Yes. So I made this meme. I’ll have to send it to you, because it got reposted like crazy. People loved it. I posted a picture of Delia Dietz and brah when I was like, same but different, because it’s and what it’s not an insult. She’s quirky. She’s interesting, but don’t let the fashion fool you. She is one of the most emotionally intelligent housewives that I’ve seen to come on the scene in a very long time. I agree. I’m with you. I enjoy she’s got depth. She’s clearly got a story. I’m here for Bromwich. She just saved this franchise. And I have said from the very beginning, Monica, who, because I just felt there was no need for her to come back personally, she graded me. And so watching this season, I’m like, here i Yeah, definitely, quite possibly, the best yet elevating the housewives versus whatever the opposite of that is,
right? And listen, I fully agree, because here’s a fun fact for you. I disliked Mary Cosby so much that initially.
Actually, I didn’t cover Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. Plus I felt with the Jen Shah and everything. It just it wasn’t interesting to me and but now last night, I was wow. This episode was not only fantastic, this franchise is being elevated, in a way, thanks to Bronwyn, certainly not brilliant, yeah, but thanks to Bronwyn that is giving us life. The Bravo. Fans were tired. Were exhausted of the nonsense, and so I That’s how I felt last night. I feel wow. I’m surprisingly interested in this franchise. And oh, is Mary Cosby growing on me? Please send help? Oh yeah, I think she is it. I gotta tell you. So Britney is to housewives what Alexis is. We’ll put the same, but different.
Yeah. And I do want to say I do feel that these shows, you need a Brittany, you need an Alexis, you need a dingbat bopping around it, just which just levels everything out. We are watching junk television. If everybody was bro and when we would have really smart, intelligent, evolved conversations, and we’d all fall asleep. So well, not me. That would give me life. But I get, listen, I get it. I get not everyone is there for what I’m there for. Yeah, no nonsense, and we need to make fun of them. Yeah, no, I’m loving it. And Mary Cosby, I just, first of all, Heather just sitting there with the dirt all over her face.
And one of my father wrote me therapy. She can’t feel her face, and I died. I really almost fell down.
And thank you for pointing that out, because I was What in the fuck is going on? But no, I think it’s because she can’t feel her face, guys
and listen everybody, I am not knocking it. I re upped on my dice for it yesterday. I listen. I’m just saying,
Melissa, it has been an absolute pleasure. You have to come back and visit us. Cocktails. Please follow Melissa at your Bish, B, i, s h therapist on Instagram. Is there anywhere else I need to tell them to find you. Thank you so much, and I’d be happy to be back anytime you can find me at your Bish therapist, not just on Instagram, on Facebook, on Tiktok and on my YouTube channel. And I do have a supporters club. It’s like Patreon, whatever, so I also have that as well. But thank you so much. This has been such a lovely discussion, and I just adore you both, and thank you for having me. You’ll be mad. Oh, without a doubt, till next time cocktailers